ReTRo HouSeWiFe

DEAR RETRO HOUSEWIFE

Marriage Advice

How Do I Keep My Cool?, 2007-04-27

How do I keep my cool when my husband complains about bills? I am the one who rarely spends money, except what he has alotted me, and he is the one who spends on "toys" for himself and the boys. I feel guilty and deprived at the same time, while he has the rule over the finances.

RE:Keep My Cool?

Dear Sharon,

Nail him down on the specifics. Next time he complains, sincerely ask him which bill in particular he finds objectionable, then haul out the bills, a calcualtor, pen, paper (or pull up your spreadsheet if you are so inclined), sit him down at the kitchen table and proceed to "figure out" where savings can be achieved. Tell him you think he is absolutely right, and you have been meaning to suggest a family budget, and isn't he clever for suggesting it first.

Start with the bills he thinks are too high, and make some honest suggestions on how to lower them. Then suggest you include line items for "toys", because he works so hard, he should have some fun things to enjoy. Write down his name, and then ask him how much he thinks is reasonable. When he answers, enter the figure next to his name. Then write down your name, and enter the same amount as he gave himself. Don't be snooty, and if he objects, act surprised, and say something like: "Oh, well I thought you would want me to have a limited amount too!" Don't argue about whether you are entitled, you are, negotiate an amount with his input. Do the same for the boys, and make sure the two of you budget an amount for fun things for both of you.

Keep the whole process positive (it is positive) and do not get emotional or whiney. He will respond to the facts, and my guess is that he stresses about money, so having a budget that you both stick to will alleviate that stress. Uncertainty is a doozy of a stress producer. Also, when he allocates money for himself, he will have a hard time giving you nothing or less (unless he is a REAL jerk, and then you have bigger problems). You should also tell him exactly what you told me here, how it makes you feel guilty and deprived.

Explain that it is healthy for neither of you, nor your marriage to live with those feelings, and you want to work out a solution so you can both be happy. Don't try to win, or accuse, or fall into pieces because he doesn't love you because he only wants to give you $20 for yourself. If he suggests a number that is too low, explain why it is too low. Be calm and rational. If he won't budge, tell him that you will get a part time job because you would like to have more "me money". Then do it! Above all, work towards a solution that is fair and try to keep the goal of "so we can both be happy and live stress free".

RH

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