ReTRo HouSeWiFe

DEAR RETRO HOUSEWIFE

Becoming an Adult

How Can I Have Life I Want?, 2007-10-02

Dear Retro Housewife,

I am 17 years old and I'm doing a 2-year college course. In summer 2008 I will be finished. My parents would want for me to work with this extra education, but I don't see how it would work. I would probably not even be considered by many employers because of my autism, and try finding a fun and well paying job too! I'd much rather be a homemaker. I'd love to marry young (before my 23rd) and devote my days to making the house a pleasant home for my partner, and maybe children. But my parents would want me to work, and not "letting my education go to waste". They don't know of my ambition yet, because these days people don't see housewives as people with ambitions. This society is so focused on fiscal achievement, that it forgets the values of other things.

Also, my parents are trying to keep me cushioned even after my 18th. They want me to live in apartments with social workers. But I just want to live on my own and move in with my future husband after marriage. I don't know why my parents want to control me so much even after becoming a legal adult. For their peace of mind? Because they are so used to over protecting me? I've tried reasoning with them about this matter, but it doesn't work.

If all else fails, I could always move in with a close friend of mine. He and his wife are going to move to England in a couple of years. He offered me that I could live with them until I meet my future spouse. I could really use that sort of situation. To live with likeminded people who share my faith, and to live in a quiet place and make their house a lovely home. But my parents would never agree to that, and I think they could do anything to stop me.

If I do end up moving in with my friend and his wife, how would I break it to my parents? And what else could I do to mark the boundaries of my life and their life? I don't hate my parents for putting me in this difficult situation. I don't hate them for putting a label on me. Not even for stuffing me with pills from my 6th to 16th year. But I've tried everything to let them know I need my independence, and it just won't work. I need to cut myself free from this oppressive control. But how will I do that? And what COULD they do to stop me after I turn 18? They said that some parents can arrange things with the judge, something like prolonged or eternal parental authority. I do hope they were bluffing, because that sounds like something straight from horror movies.

What can I do to achieve the life I want?

RE:How Can I Have Life I Want?

Dear Annique,

That your parents are overprotective and want to run your life is a very normal problem to have. I expect to be having the same issues with my daughter very soon. Your situation is complicated a bit by "your autism".  I am out of my league in this area, as I do not know much about autism and certainly not enough to be giving advice. My first impression would be that if you are capable of pulling off a 2-year college course, and writing this letter, you are functioning quite well, so I am not sure just how your condition would get in the way of your getting a job when you graduate.  I don't know what country you live in, but many countries have laws against discriminating against people with disabilities (the US for example). What is the severity of your condition, do you even have to tell an employer?

But that is not the issue, is it? You would rather be a homemaker. You need a husband for that. The arrangement with your friend sounds nice, but I wonder how you are going to get out and meet people if you are taking care of their household? Here is what I would do if I were you:

1. For the time being, follow your parent's advice. Finish up your degree, and keep your eyes out for some sort of job or internship that will compliment your course work. The best way to deal with overprotective parents is to show them that you are able to take care of yourself. Doing this will be a step in the right direction! (To answer your question, your parents are the way they are because they love you and worry about you. Don't be too hard on them; when you have kids you are going to understand them completely. It is one of life's little jokes. At 17 we know everything, then one day we have a child who turns 17, and we think back and wish we had been nicer to our parents.)
2. When you graduate, having a job will do a few things for you. The first being providing you with an income. There is no independence without your own income. That is how your parents will retain control of you. I find it hard to believe that any court system in the western world would grant your parents "prolonged parental authority", given that you will have an advance degree. Showing you can support yourself would only strengthen your case. Also, working is a great way to meet people i.e. potential husbands. Even in the 1940s and 50s, women would get jobs if they didn't marry right out of high school. Cheer up! You might actually like it!
3. Then, when the right man comes along, you can settle in and become the housewife and mother that you would like to be. You will be a better wife because you have an appreciation of the working world and the problems that your husband will face in it. Also, you will be more confident because you know that you are able to fend for yourself in the world. Finally, your parents will be able to sleep at night.

Part of becoming an independent, mature adult means understanding that some things take time and work. Children don't understand this, they want everything NOW. Be sensible, prove yourself, and you will have no trouble.



RH

Status: COMPLETE