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Funny Humor Shirt

Eight-year old Daughter (of attorney) - What is alimony, Mother? Mother - Alimony, my dear, is a man's cash surrender value.

***

While my brother was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelopes. One day my brother received a letter with the familiar "SWL" (sealed with love) message on the envelope. He noticed that the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled as he read this notation written by a postal employee: "Love didn't stick -- resealed in Seattle."
Courtesy Of Reader's Digest, February 10th, 2009

 

MARRIAGE HUMOR

JOKES ABOUT MARRIAGE



Light BulbHusbands and Light Bulbs

Q. How many men/husbands does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Just one, to stand there and hold it while the universe revolves around him.

Sent in by: Dora L., Rock Star Mom!

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions
at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store
just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives who love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.


    The Difference Between 'Friendships':

    Friendship among women: A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's ten best friends. None of them know about it.

    Friendship among men: A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's ten best friends. Eight of them say he slept over. Two claim he's still there.


    The Difference Between 'Guts' and 'Balls':

    Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

    Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

    The phone call

    ((((RING))))

    **Pick Up**

    "Hello?" "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

    "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

    After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now" .....
     Brief Pause

    "Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

    "Okay Daddy, just a minute" A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy" "And what happened honey?" he asked "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

    Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

    "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

    ***Long Pause***

    ******Longer Pause******

    Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? .. Is this 486-5731??"  

     Thanksgiving TurkeyThanksgiving Humor! 

    The day before Thanksgiving, a man in Ohio calls his adult son in Michigan.

    "Son, I've had enough, after 40 years of marriage, I've decided to leave your mother."

    The son hysterically responds: "Dad, this cannot be happening. Don't do a thing until we get there to talk some sense into you!"

    The son then calls his sister in Illinois who becomes equally hysterical. She also calls her father: "Dad, we're not going to let this happen, you and mom stay put, we'll be there tomorrow to work things out!"

    The father hung up the phone, looked at his wife and said: "The kids are coming for Thanksgiving and they're paying their own way."


    Can You Hear Me Now?

    A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

    The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the doctor. 'Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens.' In a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

    No response.

    So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

    Still no response.

    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, What's for dinner?'

    Again, no response.

    So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, What's for dinner?'

    Again, there is no response.

    So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

    'Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!'


    GOT A FUNNY JOKE ABOUT MARRIAGE? SHARE IT!

You remind me of my husband, except you are not buried in the backyard.

Why did the fisherman cross the road?

Just for the Halibut...

 

An Oldie:

Woman to Man: "Sir, If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

Man to Woman: "Madame, If you were my wife I'd take it!"



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