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The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

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Ten Things To Do To Make Your Lousy Existence Seem Grander

  1. Start your own biography. It will make you feel like your life is important enough to document.

  2. Find a cause. There are so many, and it's easy to feel overwhelmed. You don't have to try to save the planet, maybe just give the local library some books, or investigate other causes and see which ones really seem to help.

  3. Buy a pair of shoes and a handbag from some designer you can't afford. Scarf and keychain will do wonders. Always wear them when lunching at Club.

  4. Organize a brownie troop for all the bored girls in your neighborhood. Teach them to buy stocks, drive a stick shift, ride a skateboard and give a mean left hook.

  5. Write to the white house. They send you back a form letter, but it's a letter from the white House, so who cares.

  6. Find out what an electoral collage is and whether you think it is a good or a bad thing. Tell others at parties they should join your erudite stance.

  7. Rescue a dog or cat from the city pound. This is self-explanatory. If you are way too uptight, put out a squirrel or bird feeder.

  8. Memorize three proverbs in three different languages, and then tell your friends, "well, in Italy they say Que Sera sera" or when you have the winning answer to a problem, prefaceit with"nil desperandum" or when you see someone getting their just desserts say "Pan bog paczy" which is polish for god is watching and you got what you deserve (ususally something bad, like typhus.)

  9. Paint or draw a picture a week, Who cares if its good, because you are now l'artiste.

  10. Go to the mall completely incognito, pretending you are 1/2 of Bennifer or whomever, and walk around smiling that you can finally shop without being bothered due to your brilliant disguise.

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Even happy Retros have those days when the toilet leaks, the kids spread their 30,000 piece Lego set all over the house and the beagle barfed up the hamburger their son gave her. On the carpet of course. These are the days when housewife is more like cleaning service....and it can make you have crazy thoughts of Mexico, a beach and a margarita...alone.  Just don't forget to make some real Retro Time for yourself@