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Facts About Santa Barbara

  • The average age among Santa Barbara residents is about a gazillion.
  • Santa Barbarians don't like Los Angeles.
  • You can't afford to live here.
  • That is Los Angeles' fault.
  • Everything bad about Santa Barbara is Los Angeles' fault.
  • Santa Barbara managed to catch fire 3 times in the last year - my parent's house was in the evacuation zone in two of the fires. The first time they showed up at my house at 11:00 at night. The second time they were bored with the whole evacuation thing and stayed put. May 31, 2009.
  • Kathy Ireland is from Santa Barbara - In fact, for a brief period, we went to the same high school. She has no idea who I am - but of course I know who she is because she is rich, famous and gorgeous. Growing up in Santa Barbara can be annoying.
  • I also once saw John Travolta - He came to my high school (different one) because one of his body guards was in a Martial Arts show that they put on in the Greek Theater at lunch time. I had my camera with me and I chased him all the way to his limo when he left and snapped a picture. If I find it, I will put it up because it's kind of funny when I think about it. What a Geek I was.
  • I have never seen Oprah.
  • I did see Julia Childs in the Thrifty at Five Points. My friend and I were there to get an ice cream which at the time cost 15¢ for a single, 25¢ for a double and 35¢ for a triple. My favorite flavor was double chocolate malted crunch.
  • The same friend and I also ran into Ronald Reagan and wife Nancy in Hope Ranch. Not at a party or anything - we were on our way to her house and Mr. and Mrs. Reagan were on their way to their Helicopter which was parked in the polo field - (I wouldn't try to park your helicopter there - you might get a ticket!). Anyway, since Mr. Reagan was president at the time, he had the right of way, so they stopped traffic in both directions and we had to wait. Then a bunch of police and secret service rolled in and finally a big stretch limo showed up and parked on the grass. Out stepped the Reagans. They climbed up the stairs to their helicopter and turned around and waved at us before boarding. I thought that was really cool. Then we went home.


Santa Barbara

This is a stupid page thus far and I apologize... This is what Travelocity says about Santa Barbara: Don't let the name "The American Riviera" fool you. Yes, Santa Barbara has its share of luxury hotels and is home to one of the most expensive zip codes in the nation. But the reality is you can experience the superior quality of the local lifestyle and enjoy popular attractions on any budget. In fact, the most iconic Santa Barbara experiences come without a price tag, Compliments of Santa Barbara! Ha! Any budget my bootie - like how I snuck that ad in there for Travelocity? - Don't let them fool you - it'll cost you an arm and a leg - especially if you are annoying - Santa Barbara has an annoying tax - bet you didn't know that! Anyway there are a few free things to do - Like the Mission, which is brought to you courtesy of the Catholic church, and the rose garden across the street - that is public - have fun. Then there is the court house - that is a pretty awesome building - it even functions as a court house too - which means that there are plenty of locals who aren't so fond of it... go up one of the towers and spec out the view - it's worth the huffing and puffing... plus it's free - if you take the elevator you are so lame I can't even measure your lameness. BTW here's something you didn't know: during the last couple of fires, all of the ritzy hotels filled up with locals in about 10 minutes - even the one out at Haskells - I think it's a Hyatt or something - anyway, Haskells (SKULLS) is the beach where my friends and I hung out when we were in high school because they all lived in Embarcadero - and then the stupid Hyatt people had to come plunk their icky hotel right smack on top of our beach. It was a cool surfer beach and now it is full of people who say things like "ooh let's go up to Santa Barbara for the week-end" and drive fancy-pants cars and are probably all from LA which is ironic because back in the day, we used to refer to people who were complete A-holios as "LAs" as in He's a total LA. Can also be used as a verb - This guy totally LA'ed me on the freeway. (Meaning you got cut-off by some dumbass.)

I grew up in this silly little town so I thought it would be a piece of cake to write about, but I seem to have writer's block. Anyway, below is a picture of the pier. Every once in awhile it burns down and they have to rebuild it.

The restaurants on the pier are notoriously overpriced and the food is usually lousy. If you want to eat on the water, go to Brophy Bros... that's where all the locals go. I can't tell you where it is though, because if too many out-of-towners show up they may trace it back to me and then they'll change the secret handshake and I won't be allowed back to SB. Just be aware that it is well hidden, always packed, and they put up a few decoy restaurants along the way to snag the slightly less determined.

Santa Barbara Pier On a Sunday Afternoon.
The very touristy pier at the foot of State Street in Santa Barbara.

Another nice beachside restaurant is the one formerly known as the Brown Pelican - it can be found at Henry's Beach. This is not the official name of the beach - they had the audacity to put up a sign with a different name - and I refuse to use that name because it is not the real name of the beach. It is Henry's beach - not that I know who Henry is - but I grew up calling it Henry's Beach and Henry's beach it will stay.

 The Restaurant Formerly Known As Brown Pelican (RFKABP) has been around forever as the little history pictorial right next to the ladies' restroom will tell you. It has changed hands and names several times that I can think of, and the food quality has varied as well.

I have eaten there recently and can tell you that the current proprietors are on the upper end of the quality scale. Good Food. The problem is that it is easy to get lazy on food quality because they have such an awesome location - probably the best location in all of Santa Barbara. So, Santa Barbarians show up regardless - there are really only 3 places to go where you can sit on the beach and eat (at a restaurant).

The first one is that place right across from Santa Barbara City College (more or less) and they actually have tables set up in the sand. Food is decent. The problem is that you will be forced to share your lunch with Jonathon Livingston Seagull. He won't ask, he'll just swoop down and grab when you aren't paying attention.

Then there is RFKABP, which is the prettiest and probably the best overall, and finally, there is the Beachside - but it is technically in Goleta. If your a tourist, don't'll never find it. I always get the scallop-kebabs with rice pilaf. always.

Santa Barbara is often on fire, as seen above in this lovely picture of the nice Santa Barbara mountains plus a huge cloud of smoke. Santa Barbarians secretly love these fires because they burn down their old 60s and 70s ranch style homes and allow them to rebuild nice big houses with red-tile roofs.

Tea Fire in Santa Barbara - November 2008
Here is a picture of the "Tea Fire" in Santa Barbara - November 2008


Traveling To
     Santa Barbara

Santa Barbara Entertainment Book
Don't Piss Off the Santa Barbara Police







      Purple Flower



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